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Love, Chan

Better Left Unsaid

Think about all of the words that you've worked so hard to put into sentences, to make sense, to explain how you feel. You see all of those words? Save them. Save them for the day that they're needed. Save them for a situation that's well fitted. Save them for eternity.

Not to sound like a bitch but sometimes we talk too much. Depending on the situation, these words that you've taken all of this time to situate may hurt more than help. Let's sit back and think about it for a minute. What will it do to us? What will it bring? What will it ruin? Let's not. Not now. Not ever, possibly.

Maybe those lines have been blurred for a reason. Don't fix what's not broken right? But what if it could be better? More questions that we need not answer. More emotional soup that need not be stirred. More of everything that we don't not want. Double negative placement.

Is it for you or for me because this can't be for us. Nothing thus far has led me to believe that this is right. It doesn't even feel right. We become selfish and engulfed in our own fantasies and wishes that we forget that there is another person who may suffer from our wants.

Speak your mind, they said. It will help, they said. It didn't. Now we're stuck in an awkward place that no one knows how to escape. I’m not running. I'm just not going in that direction.

Can we think about ME for a second? How am I going to feel? How am I supposed to continue as "normal"? What the fuck is normal anyway? It wouldn't be fair to say you want to see someone happy but you aren't happy with what could possibly make them happy since it doesn't make YOU happy. If that makes sense.

Let's just leave it where it lies and go in a direction that leaves clarity and understanding.

Freedom

Every once in a while, I’ll ask a few of my friends for a topic to write about. So when I asked last night, I received a few way different ideas. Jay told me to write about Freedom. Naturally, I’m like WTF? That’s not really specific. In turn he said, “The freedom of bettering yourself. Not holding yourself back”. A light blub came on as soon as I read that message.

The thing about writing is that there’s no wrong way to say how YOU feel. When you write, they may not appreciate your honesty or opinion but it’s yours and you own that shit. How can you tell me what I’m saying isn’t important? I don’t give a damn if YOU think it isn’t because when I wrote it, it meant something to me. I may write fast but if I write about it, I’ve put a lot of thought and energy into it. I don’t write for the likes or RT’s. Shit, most of the stuff doesn’t even get RT’s. But it may be the one thing that one person who read it needed to hear.

There’s not enough time in the day or care in the world for me to want to sugar coat things. If I write it, its usually in raw form. It’s extremely rare for me to alter anything because of how it will be perceived. Take it or leave it. You love it, hate it or feel indifferently about the topic at a hand.

It took me quite some time to start the project that I’m working on. Not because I didn’t have anything to talk about but I was giving too much of a damn about what people would think. Not strangers because I never really give a fuck about what people who don’t personally know me think. People as in MY people. People I speak to daily, weekly, monthly, ever. People who know me. Or people who think they do. How can I let people take away my freedom? Why would I? I knew that what I had to say was worth way more than an opinion. I knew that since I was a child, writing was my outlet. Writing was my savior. Writing set me free from any and everything that was wrong. Yes, I’d have to still face it but writing gave me the power to say what I want, feel what I want and not have to answer anyone’s questions or deal with their complaints. Writing gave me the space I needed to sort thing out. If I didn’t have $10, Writing would still be free. Freedom.

Writing. Simply put, it’s the shit. I have so many notebooks. Old, new, plain, fancy, everything. I love the freedom of choosing which one I want to deal with that day. I can go from PC to phone to good ol pen and paper (my personal favorite). So when I write, I take it seriously. I’m always trying to get better. Always thinking of new things for ME to write about. II t doesn’t matter if the topic has been visited hundreds of times by hundreds of people, It’s MY writing that matters.

For ME, there’s nothing more satisfying than finishing a piece. Its like a sigh of relief. Whether its finishing a post, and email, or a journal entry. To me, that’s what I do it for. Yes, I have a circle of people who love to read what I write. There are others who have no idea that I write. But in the end, I know everyone will know. So whatever it is that YOU do, make sure you set yourself free and take advantage of your freedom. Make sure that when you do it, you can stand by it. Make sure you love what you’re doing.

Brain Bang - Round 2

It was only a matter of time after you had entered my mind that you'd make the next entry. You had just the right touch to unlock the Pearly Gates. 

You knocked. You entered. You're really here. Flesh to flesh. Face to face. 

You seem colossal next to my small frame. I'm swallowed by your warm embrace.  

The level of comfort was so natural. You take your time but made your eagerness known. 

The firmness of your gentle voice. The intensity of your soft touch. 

And just like that, still waters began to roar. Waves crashed against the shore. 

Your words still guide and manipulate my mind, body and soul. Is it possible for two familiar strangers to really be this aligned?
The television plays at a medium tone. The bathroom light peaks around the corner. With phones beeping, buzzing and ringing, this concentration can't be broken. 

I'd love to see your face but at the moment you're having deep convo with my lower lips. Explicitly speaking to my inner soul. Telling and showing us all of the things you're capable of doing. All of the feelings you are capable of evoking. By the feel of things, I think you may have bilingually explained it all in full detail.

They say the tongue is a powerful weapon but you've decided to use it for good instead of evil. You use it to locate the treasure that had been longing to be found. Unlocking a liquid language that only better prepares us for what has yet to cum. 

We transition. 

Somehow, we end up becoming a human display of every one's favorite numbers. 

Seems like we're ready but not until I show you the same appreciation that you've shown me. It's only right.

It's your turn to relax. A kiss on the head is an action of endearment. Sometimes you have to ease your way into (or onto) a situation. 

It's not long before we say "Fuck this". 

We meant that in every sense of the word. Mentally and physically. 

Who would've thought that the mental and physical would be so close? 

We knew this would be explosive but this was more than sexing. This was a meeting of both our bodies and minds. 

For every stroke the body took, the mind took two. The intensity was too real. 

When the time came, so did we. There was no denying or hiding this. The evidence was obvious. 

As the electric leg spasms slow down to a slow twitch, the tunnel vision starts to widen. The surrounds begin to reappear. Sounds now audible. 

You walk away only to return with a warm washcloth. You are definitely the real MVP. 

This might be the real thing. 

And the day we should meet again, I'll have no expectations because I know whether everything or nothing should happen, the connection is better than any physical encounter. 

BUT... that doesn't mean it shouldn't happen again and again and again.

Brain Bang

Have you ever been mentally fucked? If not, I must say, it's definitely an unexplainable feeling. Something you feel deep. Something that you can't duplicate. You FEEL it with every sense. You FEEL it in every part of you. 

When you experience the mental before the physical, it's almost ineffable. How can a person do that to you? Either you'll be scared out of your mind or you'll be taken to ecstasy. Taken to a place that you never thought existed & never imagined visiting. Taken to euphoria. And the moment you get there, you'll never want to leave. Never settle for anything less. Never tolerate mediocrity. 

When you feel it, you'll never want to feel any other way. 

Mind fucked. 

Brain banged.  

Cerebral smashed. 

Each conversation goes deeper and deeper. Increasing in intensity with every answered call, every read text. Each spoken word feels like they're laying you down gently on your back. The dialogue spreads your legs and pulls your hips down. As they enter, You let out that initial contact deep breath. The first stroke sets the tone. The pace quickens. Your breathing is all out of whack. But that's ok because your bodies are in sync. You bite your lip. Your eyes roll back. You try to escape but it feels too good to end it this early. Loosen up & enjoy it. You open up a little wider. They can see that you're into it, that you want it, that your body is responding. Before you can realize all that's happening, you notice that you've switched positions 3 times. It just keeps getting better. Neither one of you are letting up. Going tit for tat. Blow for blow. Stroke for stroke. We know where this is going. The grunts become louder. The light moans become mild screams. The both of you are ready. Neither of you can fight it any longer. 

Reaching for the stars just gained a new meaning. This place seems familiar yet new. You've never had it like THIS. You win & do a victory lap. You've earned it. You deserved this. 

Nobody can take that from you. 

You sit back and smirk. 

So while you're thinking back on the past and wondering if you've ever felt anything this good, this real, just laughs and roll over. This nap is going to be good. Those who are capable of mind fucking us are rare. Enjoy it while it's here. 

Preparing For Round 2...

Mosquitos

For some, dreams (or nightmares) are just one’s mind escaping reality and going off into another world. To others, it’s the universes way of warning or alerting you of things that are ahead or need to be addressed. In both cases, I agree. Sometimes you have to take the necessary elements out of the dream (or nightmare) and apply it to life.

Lately, I’ve been having all kinds of weird dreams and I had basically written them off due to the fact that some night these crazy dreams would come after I’d been out drinking. I’m sure alcohol alters your dreaming mind as well. But last night was different. I’d been completely sober. Not a sip. For me, a lot of my dreams are reoccurring. Same concept, same people, same situations. Just a lot of the same things happening. Maybe this is because there is a lot of repetitive things going on in life. Not to say that I’m at a stand still or stagnant but, things are just the same.

Last night, I slept on my friends couch because I managed to lock my keys in my apt the day before. So instead of enjoying the calming Downtown Miami breeze from the 24th floor balcony, I woke up from my dream slapping and swatting myself. Had a crazy dream about a swarm of mosquitos attacking me in the back of a taxi. I wasn’t in there alone but they were only bothering me. I made sure I went over the details of my dream before I forgot it. I Googled it and of course there were interpretations for my dream.

Dream Forth says…

To dream of mosquitoes implies that you are being used and manipulated by others. They are exhausting you emotionally and mentally. It also means that you will use all of your efforts to defend yourself against their assaults.
To dream that you are killing mosquitoes indicates that you will be able to prevail over hardships to gain wealth and joy.

You know how sometimes you are fully aware of your current situation but you neglect to address or rectify it? That’s how I felt reading that. It basically told me EVERYTHING I already knew but served as a reinforcement. Sometimes you just need someone or something else to remind you of what you already know.

I’ve let go and gained a lot in the last 12 months and it often seems like the more you do for people, the more you take from yourself. A lot of us get so caught up in helping others that we fail to keep our own happiness and wellbeing first. When you are such a giving and kind-hearted person, Its hard to just stop helping people. Help may not always be monetary even though most of the time when people ask for things, It is in the form of money or material things. Some people need you to take them places. Go with them places. Listen to them all day. Always be available when they need you. The list goes on. But when you need something, its not feasible. Unfair.

Sadly, some people will let you bury yourself alive and do nothing to help. For them, they got what they needed and there will be someone else to help them when (& I mean WHEN because I know they will) they need it. For you, You are up Shit’s Creek without a paddle or raft. You sink. All for a good deed. For you, you may resent people and refuse to help another due to one (or more) person taking advantage and not giving a fuck enough to lend a helping hand.

So to make this simple:

Learn to say no. Learn to be selfish. Learn to put yourself first. And finally, if a mosquito should come close enough to you that it becomes bothersome, distance yourself or kill it.

Photo Shoot Fresh

So today, I was back in personal assistant mode. The BFF had a last minute (at home) shoot with 8&9 clothing. 8&9 is a Miami based line worn by many big names. To my surprise, I jumped in and decided to style it while she was getting her hair and makeup right. I must say, I did pretty well for my 1st time. It wasn't anything major but definitely a start and everyone was happy with the outfits I selected. The photog as well as his assistant were very professional and a pleasure to work with. Kudos to Smitty and Supreme. 

Raw BTS footage. 

(Some outfits were adjusted & added as the shoot progressed.)