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Thank you for reading. 

Love, Chan

Better Left Unsaid

Think about all of the words that you've worked so hard to put into sentences, to make sense, to explain how you feel. You see all of those words? Save them. Save them for the day that they're needed. Save them for a situation that's well fitted. Save them for eternity.

Not to sound like a bitch but sometimes we talk too much. Depending on the situation, these words that you've taken all of this time to situate may hurt more than help. Let's sit back and think about it for a minute. What will it do to us? What will it bring? What will it ruin? Let's not. Not now. Not ever, possibly.

Maybe those lines have been blurred for a reason. Don't fix what's not broken right? But what if it could be better? More questions that we need not answer. More emotional soup that need not be stirred. More of everything that we don't not want. Double negative placement.

Is it for you or for me because this can't be for us. Nothing thus far has led me to believe that this is right. It doesn't even feel right. We become selfish and engulfed in our own fantasies and wishes that we forget that there is another person who may suffer from our wants.

Speak your mind, they said. It will help, they said. It didn't. Now we're stuck in an awkward place that no one knows how to escape. I’m not running. I'm just not going in that direction.

Can we think about ME for a second? How am I going to feel? How am I supposed to continue as "normal"? What the fuck is normal anyway? It wouldn't be fair to say you want to see someone happy but you aren't happy with what could possibly make them happy since it doesn't make YOU happy. If that makes sense.

Let's just leave it where it lies and go in a direction that leaves clarity and understanding.

Freedom

Every once in a while, I’ll ask a few of my friends for a topic to write about. So when I asked last night, I received a few way different ideas. Jay told me to write about Freedom. Naturally, I’m like WTF? That’s not really specific. In turn he said, “The freedom of bettering yourself. Not holding yourself back”. A light blub came on as soon as I read that message.

The thing about writing is that there’s no wrong way to say how YOU feel. When you write, they may not appreciate your honesty or opinion but it’s yours and you own that shit. How can you tell me what I’m saying isn’t important? I don’t give a damn if YOU think it isn’t because when I wrote it, it meant something to me. I may write fast but if I write about it, I’ve put a lot of thought and energy into it. I don’t write for the likes or RT’s. Shit, most of the stuff doesn’t even get RT’s. But it may be the one thing that one person who read it needed to hear.

There’s not enough time in the day or care in the world for me to want to sugar coat things. If I write it, its usually in raw form. It’s extremely rare for me to alter anything because of how it will be perceived. Take it or leave it. You love it, hate it or feel indifferently about the topic at a hand.

It took me quite some time to start the project that I’m working on. Not because I didn’t have anything to talk about but I was giving too much of a damn about what people would think. Not strangers because I never really give a fuck about what people who don’t personally know me think. People as in MY people. People I speak to daily, weekly, monthly, ever. People who know me. Or people who think they do. How can I let people take away my freedom? Why would I? I knew that what I had to say was worth way more than an opinion. I knew that since I was a child, writing was my outlet. Writing was my savior. Writing set me free from any and everything that was wrong. Yes, I’d have to still face it but writing gave me the power to say what I want, feel what I want and not have to answer anyone’s questions or deal with their complaints. Writing gave me the space I needed to sort thing out. If I didn’t have $10, Writing would still be free. Freedom.

Writing. Simply put, it’s the shit. I have so many notebooks. Old, new, plain, fancy, everything. I love the freedom of choosing which one I want to deal with that day. I can go from PC to phone to good ol pen and paper (my personal favorite). So when I write, I take it seriously. I’m always trying to get better. Always thinking of new things for ME to write about. II t doesn’t matter if the topic has been visited hundreds of times by hundreds of people, It’s MY writing that matters.

For ME, there’s nothing more satisfying than finishing a piece. Its like a sigh of relief. Whether its finishing a post, and email, or a journal entry. To me, that’s what I do it for. Yes, I have a circle of people who love to read what I write. There are others who have no idea that I write. But in the end, I know everyone will know. So whatever it is that YOU do, make sure you set yourself free and take advantage of your freedom. Make sure that when you do it, you can stand by it. Make sure you love what you’re doing.

Brain Bang - Round 2

It was only a matter of time after you had entered my mind that you'd make the next entry. You had just the right touch to unlock the Pearly Gates. 

You knocked. You entered. You're really here. Flesh to flesh. Face to face. 

You seem colossal next to my small frame. I'm swallowed by your warm embrace.  

The level of comfort was so natural. You take your time but made your eagerness known. 

The firmness of your gentle voice. The intensity of your soft touch. 

And just like that, still waters began to roar. Waves crashed against the shore. 

Your words still guide and manipulate my mind, body and soul. Is it possible for two familiar strangers to really be this aligned?
The television plays at a medium tone. The bathroom light peaks around the corner. With phones beeping, buzzing and ringing, this concentration can't be broken. 

I'd love to see your face but at the moment you're having deep convo with my lower lips. Explicitly speaking to my inner soul. Telling and showing us all of the things you're capable of doing. All of the feelings you are capable of evoking. By the feel of things, I think you may have bilingually explained it all in full detail.

They say the tongue is a powerful weapon but you've decided to use it for good instead of evil. You use it to locate the treasure that had been longing to be found. Unlocking a liquid language that only better prepares us for what has yet to cum. 

We transition. 

Somehow, we end up becoming a human display of every one's favorite numbers. 

Seems like we're ready but not until I show you the same appreciation that you've shown me. It's only right.

It's your turn to relax. A kiss on the head is an action of endearment. Sometimes you have to ease your way into (or onto) a situation. 

It's not long before we say "Fuck this". 

We meant that in every sense of the word. Mentally and physically. 

Who would've thought that the mental and physical would be so close? 

We knew this would be explosive but this was more than sexing. This was a meeting of both our bodies and minds. 

For every stroke the body took, the mind took two. The intensity was too real. 

When the time came, so did we. There was no denying or hiding this. The evidence was obvious. 

As the electric leg spasms slow down to a slow twitch, the tunnel vision starts to widen. The surrounds begin to reappear. Sounds now audible. 

You walk away only to return with a warm washcloth. You are definitely the real MVP. 

This might be the real thing. 

And the day we should meet again, I'll have no expectations because I know whether everything or nothing should happen, the connection is better than any physical encounter. 

BUT... that doesn't mean it shouldn't happen again and again and again.

Brain Bang

Have you ever been mentally fucked? If not, I must say, it's definitely an unexplainable feeling. Something you feel deep. Something that you can't duplicate. You FEEL it with every sense. You FEEL it in every part of you. 

When you experience the mental before the physical, it's almost ineffable. How can a person do that to you? Either you'll be scared out of your mind or you'll be taken to ecstasy. Taken to a place that you never thought existed & never imagined visiting. Taken to euphoria. And the moment you get there, you'll never want to leave. Never settle for anything less. Never tolerate mediocrity. 

When you feel it, you'll never want to feel any other way. 

Mind fucked. 

Brain banged.  

Cerebral smashed. 

Each conversation goes deeper and deeper. Increasing in intensity with every answered call, every read text. Each spoken word feels like they're laying you down gently on your back. The dialogue spreads your legs and pulls your hips down. As they enter, You let out that initial contact deep breath. The first stroke sets the tone. The pace quickens. Your breathing is all out of whack. But that's ok because your bodies are in sync. You bite your lip. Your eyes roll back. You try to escape but it feels too good to end it this early. Loosen up & enjoy it. You open up a little wider. They can see that you're into it, that you want it, that your body is responding. Before you can realize all that's happening, you notice that you've switched positions 3 times. It just keeps getting better. Neither one of you are letting up. Going tit for tat. Blow for blow. Stroke for stroke. We know where this is going. The grunts become louder. The light moans become mild screams. The both of you are ready. Neither of you can fight it any longer. 

Reaching for the stars just gained a new meaning. This place seems familiar yet new. You've never had it like THIS. You win & do a victory lap. You've earned it. You deserved this. 

Nobody can take that from you. 

You sit back and smirk. 

So while you're thinking back on the past and wondering if you've ever felt anything this good, this real, just laughs and roll over. This nap is going to be good. Those who are capable of mind fucking us are rare. Enjoy it while it's here. 

Preparing For Round 2...

Mosquitos

For some, dreams (or nightmares) are just one’s mind escaping reality and going off into another world. To others, it’s the universes way of warning or alerting you of things that are ahead or need to be addressed. In both cases, I agree. Sometimes you have to take the necessary elements out of the dream (or nightmare) and apply it to life.

Lately, I’ve been having all kinds of weird dreams and I had basically written them off due to the fact that some night these crazy dreams would come after I’d been out drinking. I’m sure alcohol alters your dreaming mind as well. But last night was different. I’d been completely sober. Not a sip. For me, a lot of my dreams are reoccurring. Same concept, same people, same situations. Just a lot of the same things happening. Maybe this is because there is a lot of repetitive things going on in life. Not to say that I’m at a stand still or stagnant but, things are just the same.

Last night, I slept on my friends couch because I managed to lock my keys in my apt the day before. So instead of enjoying the calming Downtown Miami breeze from the 24th floor balcony, I woke up from my dream slapping and swatting myself. Had a crazy dream about a swarm of mosquitos attacking me in the back of a taxi. I wasn’t in there alone but they were only bothering me. I made sure I went over the details of my dream before I forgot it. I Googled it and of course there were interpretations for my dream.

Dream Forth says…

To dream of mosquitoes implies that you are being used and manipulated by others. They are exhausting you emotionally and mentally. It also means that you will use all of your efforts to defend yourself against their assaults.
To dream that you are killing mosquitoes indicates that you will be able to prevail over hardships to gain wealth and joy.

You know how sometimes you are fully aware of your current situation but you neglect to address or rectify it? That’s how I felt reading that. It basically told me EVERYTHING I already knew but served as a reinforcement. Sometimes you just need someone or something else to remind you of what you already know.

I’ve let go and gained a lot in the last 12 months and it often seems like the more you do for people, the more you take from yourself. A lot of us get so caught up in helping others that we fail to keep our own happiness and wellbeing first. When you are such a giving and kind-hearted person, Its hard to just stop helping people. Help may not always be monetary even though most of the time when people ask for things, It is in the form of money or material things. Some people need you to take them places. Go with them places. Listen to them all day. Always be available when they need you. The list goes on. But when you need something, its not feasible. Unfair.

Sadly, some people will let you bury yourself alive and do nothing to help. For them, they got what they needed and there will be someone else to help them when (& I mean WHEN because I know they will) they need it. For you, You are up Shit’s Creek without a paddle or raft. You sink. All for a good deed. For you, you may resent people and refuse to help another due to one (or more) person taking advantage and not giving a fuck enough to lend a helping hand.

So to make this simple:

Learn to say no. Learn to be selfish. Learn to put yourself first. And finally, if a mosquito should come close enough to you that it becomes bothersome, distance yourself or kill it.

Photo Shoot Fresh

So today, I was back in personal assistant mode. The BFF had a last minute (at home) shoot with 8&9 clothing. 8&9 is a Miami based line worn by many big names. To my surprise, I jumped in and decided to style it while she was getting her hair and makeup right. I must say, I did pretty well for my 1st time. It wasn't anything major but definitely a start and everyone was happy with the outfits I selected. The photog as well as his assistant were very professional and a pleasure to work with. Kudos to Smitty and Supreme. 

Raw BTS footage. 

(Some outfits were adjusted & added as the shoot progressed.)

You Love...

You love. 

Don't say it, mean it. 

You love. 

The one who says it 1st doesn't always mean they feel it the strongest. 

You love. 

Be consistent. Be real. Keep it 100. 

You love. 

We have to be in the same book to even attempt to be on the same page. 

You love. 

The idea of having someone to yourself but not the idea of being committed. 

You love. 

Yet you don't compromise. You don't try. You don't care. 

You love. 

But you don't show it. You won't let it be known. 

You love. 

But what are you afraid of? 

You love. 

Yourself. & That's not enough for US. 

Transactions

What happened to falling in love with a nigga because he made u laugh & shit? – @BluerayDre

It seems like everything these days are made to be transactions. Nobody can just do things because they like it or it makes them happy. There’s always an underlying monetary or materialistic benefit. Its almost forbidden amongst the “Cool Crowd” to actually develop feelings for a person based solely off of personality and how you feel with them. I’m not sure if its just because I live in Miami, probably one of the most superficial, fake places I've ever been to.
What people fail to realize is that when those club lights go out & they kick their designer shoes off, they still go back to being miserable. Hoping and wishing for the happiness that is outside of their circle. Most of the people looking for a come up are desperate for it. Mainly because a lot of these model-esque, socialite girls are in situations they have no choice but to be in them. When I say no choice, I mean that they wouldn’t be able to afford their lifestyle unless they have 3/4 roommates, deal with athletes, etc. Majority cant get an apartment in a desirable area that has easy access to all of the glamorous things they desire alone. Nobody knows when its necessary to live within their own personally means. Nobody wants to work for it. Nobody wants to build a foundation. Nobody wants to pick up the pieces when their partner comes across a hard time. There’s almost no equality. People want to be saved and not contribute even the bare minimum.
I’ve met a lot of these girls personally and its amazing how a few hours can expose so many hidden truths. People you thought had it like that, really don’t. How can you depend solely on a man’s (or woman's) income to support you? I’m just not built like that. I want to do my own thing too much to wait on an allowance or put up with so much extra bullshit.
I’m still a firm believer in real love. Genuine love. Happiness. Finding someone who makes you a better person. A person who complements your personality etc. My great grands stayed together 67 years and only through death did they part. I know things were different back then but I know its still possible. Keep selling yourself short and you will always be at a disadvantage. You'll always get the shitty end of the stick.
Learn to be happy without material things. Learn to be able to be alone. Then whatever it is that you’re looking for will be able to properly present itself and you’ll be able to realize it and enjoy life.

Know No Better

What I don't understand is the people who deal with people KNOWING the way they behave & move then get upset after a while. If you show & tell me what it is before we get into it, I can't be upset with the things I chose to deal with. I can understand however, if you acted a certain way then did the switch up on me when we were deep in. This definitely wasn't the case. I think people (mainly females) want to be loved & taken care of so badly that they lose their self respect for a few gifts & outings. They get more bullshit & runaround than anything. 

Females get so caught up with what a dude has and the image he portrays versus what he will actually do for/with her. You can't build an empire with a ain't shit dude & a female with no backbone. I know plenty of cheap ass, flashy dudes. Dude will take pics with 100 bad bitches, be out on every VIP couch, at every event & in every designer but won't break bread. When you met him, did anything about him say "let's settle down & have a family" or "I'll leave all these girls for you"? But YOU chose to stick around & ride shotgun long enough to make yourself feel like you were above all others. Never mind that you're at home alone every night, constantly dealing with and competing with bitches. Why even subject yourself to it if all you're going to do is complain publicly and then act like it's all good? 

The icing on the cake is these girls do stupid shit like get pregnant or get things in their name and think it's going to make everything go away and magically get better. I'm sure these dudes will provide for their kids but it's probably going to take a whole lot more to make a real family out of it. I just couldn't take a person seriously who openly disrespects me & makes no effort to hide his bullshit. 

Never make your girl look stupid in front of other bitches. Ever. 

Maybe if you spent more time communicating instead of venting to social media, y'all might make some progress. Stop doing it for the likes. You make yourself look stupid. The world doesn't need to know every up & down that goes on in your "relationship".  

But who am I to "judge" or point stuff out?

Fake Happy

It's so crazy how many people get caught up in this "fake happy" stuff. By no means am I saying that you have to wear all of your problems & stress like accessories but my goodness. 

People are fake happy with so many decisions they've made. Whether it be pride, fear, desperation or whathaveyou... They do it & regret it on the inside. 

Example: I was on twitter today & someone said they liked a pic of a friend & their significant other. Then soon after the person called complaining about the situation at hand. Well, why the hell did you post it? If you're upset, be that, get it out your system & move on. Why put on? For who? 

Fake happy for the public. Miserable in private. 

People buy their way to happiness. I'd rather cry in a penthouse vs the project myself but still. At what point do you realize all of those material things can only make you smile for so long. I don't know about you but I like to share my happiness with others. Why the hell would I want to jetski alone all the time? Eat alone? Only shop for myself? Then again, everyone doesn't really care to make sure those around them are in good spirits too. 

People stay at a bullshit job because they've become used to the workload, scheduling etc but hate it. Yet & still, they come in with a fake smile & stay put. Why not look for something more fulfilling? Something at least you're semi interested in.

People turn the cold shoulder to those who are genuinely there for them but their pride won't let them resolve it & be happy. Instead they play fake happy while wishing they were still around. 

People stay in relationships just to make it look good. Make it look like they've accomplished something more. Don't weigh me down. I don't want to weigh you down.

People restart old fires just because it's already a place in the grass for it to sit. Not everyone is meant to make it back across that bridge. Not everyone deserves a paddle. 

People want what others seem to have not knowing the real. Not everyone with money is happy. Look at the suicide & legal trouble rates of people with money. So many people in relationships they wish they could escape. Live your life the best YOU can. Can't base your decisions on the moves, opinions & pockets of others. When the lights go out & you're in that room alone, just you & your thought... It will eat you alive. 

Life is filled with luck, blessings, misfortunes, heartache etc. Take it in your stride & make sure there is a lesson learned. 

Find your happy place.

Don't let Fake Happy destroy the real potential that you have to be happy. If that means learning how to be alone, work it out. It'll be worth it. 

They Don't Know

Don't even remember how we ended up here. One minute drinks are flowing & the next, we're on the balcony overlooking the city - naked. What the fck is happening here? It's wrong, right? Wrong. It's not like we just met. We know each other. We speak in public. And even if it was, it's too late. It's done. I see a light. I peek back & grin. The breeze feels good. This view from the penthouse is good. Everything is good. No telling who's looking but if they are, let's give them a show. Ain't no walk of shame coming soon. I stay the night. We lay there & sleep. I finally wake up like "oh shit, I have to leave". I'm sure this won't be the last time. Rico Love couldn't have dropped "They Don't Know" at a better time. We see each other out and we just say "what's up" & keep it moving. If they ever found out... I probably still wouldn't care but for now, let it play as is. 

The Married Man

When you meet people, you naturally don't assume that they're married. After the first few conversations, you can kinda figure can it out if it hasn't been announced. No? Well in this case, it wasn't like that. 

Miami Beach Fall 2011

Lap Dance Tuesdays used to be one of the best nights in Miami. Spur of the moment night, we decided to reserve a table. It was only 2 of us but we had so much fun. The guys next to us were having a good time as well and one on particular kept making his way over to me. We watched the pole competition & ended up dancing for the later part of the night. He was flying back to overseas in the morning but we exchanged BBM pins and went out separate ways. 

The communication was constant. He was a nice dude but what the hell am I supposed to do with somebody who lives between London and Nigeria with occasional trips to the USA? 

A few months later:

I get a text with an itinerary. He's coming back to the states. Miami is a few days away & he wants to hang out. I was off so I get to Fontainebleau and go upstairs. The lights are out except for the bathroom and the tv. He asks if I want to order something & insists on ordering a bottle of champagne. We finish it and he goes to get ready for dinner. Cecconi's it is. He invited my friend (who is nearby) and I but I use that as my excuse to leave. We go our separate ways And I wish him safe travels for his flight. 

*insert communication here* 

Time goes by, we speak occasionally. He asks me to advance our "friendship" and suggests that I be apart of his company as a liaison between the east coast and Nigeria. It required me to travel etc so I considered the option but politely declined. 

Recently: I get a text. He's planning a business meeting in the states and will have a few days to play around with. Ok cool. Maybe I'll be around, maybe I won't. I get an email.. 

It's his WIFE. Where the hell did he get a wife from? Why was she never mentioned? This is part of the "exchange". 

Having a wife changes things. I wouldn't knowingly deal with a married man. IF I ever decided to, he would definitely deserve to get a run for his money. 

Fast forward: he arrives in Miami. Apparently, I'm supposed to be at Cameo. I stand him up. I'm good bro. 

Another reason why "Niggas Ain't Shit"..

Best Sex Ever

So, a friend and I ended up at lunch last week with a pretty cool (and well known) person and his friends. It was just a beautiful day around cool people. At some point during it all, the topic of sex came up. No in an x-rated, “let’s leave here” way but more so in an inquisitive sense. Everyone there had a few years on us so I guess it was kind of informative on our parts (at least speaking for myself it was). He asked at what age, where at, things along those lines. Also, if there was ever a case where you HAD to be drunk in order to have sex with a person. Personally, I don’t want to HAVE to get drunk. That basically means you don’t want to (or you’re a prostitute). Don’t get me wrong, drunk sex is pretty fun but not sloppy drunk sex. Just enough to push you along, if need be. Then came the “do you remember the best sex you’ve ever had?” question. For the first time, in a long time, I was stuck. I thought about it and after a few seconds he yelled out, “NOPE! You took too long”. I laughed but then I really sat there thinking, “what was the best sex I've ever had?”. Was it a drunken night? Was it a tie? Seriously. When? Where? Who? I’ve had some pretty damn good days/nights but I couldn’t come up with the ONE that I’ll never, ever forget because it was that damn good. So now, almost a week later, I’m still thinking. LOL DAMMIT!

This cant be life.

New beginnings...

When I stopped looking for it, it found me.
When I closed my eyes to embrace the darkness, the light came through.
When I stopped thinking about them, I fell for you.
So many wells have run dry. All of these years flew by.
Standing still on an 8 lane highway.
Traffic going & coming.
Yet I'm still. Not running.
Before it all became, it was.
Was useless.
Was stressful.
Was pointless.
Was regretful.
Now? I love it.
I earned it.
I deserve it.
We deserve this.
Those around me stepped back. Faded to black.
But I guess it's now mutual.
These barren crops became so fruitful.
Love.
I'm almost certain that what it is.
I'm pretty sure that's what it will be.
Growing. Progressing. Let us love & accept this blessing.
Be driven. Be motivated.
Be in love. Be together.
Forget the opposition. The questions.
The doubters.
Understand the purpose. Prove it's worth it.

Tainted

Love once so innocent. So pure. So genuine.

Now so tainted. So evil. So detrimental.

Much of a burden.

All love isn't “good love”. I don’t need THAT love.

Let me live. Let me breathe. Let me prosper & be happy.

Please.

Love like life depends on it.

It does. Just not ours.

Something we’ve longed for & never wanted to forget.

Something so powerful. Moving mountains was a breeze.

Sudden change.

Air turned still. Nights got cold. Skies turned gray.

Prepare for this storm.

Feels the wrath.

No love like that of a Wo(man) scorned.

You don’t always get what you put in or what you want.

But you WILL get something, nonetheless.

Lessons may be the greatest.

When we walk away from each other, don’t make this hard.

Don’t kill me. I don’t want to die.

Just as those before & after me, let me live.

Move on & keep moving.

Become idle at your own risk.

Lets not blame. Lets not point. Lets love..

Lets love someone other than each other.

Let me love me first.

Priority.

Tainted as can be, I’ll still love after you as I did before.

Just one step closer to the one who was made for me.

Have I already met my match or is that who is coming up behind you?

Don’t block my view.

Let me live.

So tainted yet the next one wont pay for your mistakes.

Love.

Perfect Strangers

We went from complete strangers to feeling complete with the strangeness. A force to be reckoned with, these feelings may turn too dangerous.

So fast. So sudden. Before we knew it we were fu.. Nah never mind. Lets just scratch that line.

Those 1st hours turned to a day. Days turned to weeks. Now it's months later and everything still seems sweet.

This "honeymoon" phase is just begging to end. Asking to put the guard up. Asking to remain as "friends".

But with all due respect, how can u expect to be a friend to the only one u really want to let.... Let in. Let love. Let listen. Let christen, these brand new linens, and indulge in all of this "healthy sinning"??

How can I look at you the same after these nights we shared? How can we both move on like neither of us cared?

I'm not pushing nor pulling, I'm just being realistic. You keep throwing these signs & There's no way I can miss it.

Somehow, someway we found “love” in a place so hopeless. With no cares in the world, yet not losing any focus.

Who says its wrong? Or that this “love” is high risk and filled with danger? Nobody knows better than us. Why cant we remain two perfect strangers?

Price Of Friendship

 

 

The price of friendship. You earn it and lend it. Trying to get it back may break it or mend it. So before selling yourself short, please watch how you spend it.

The price may be high as gold or as low as gum, only good when its good and only fun when its fun. In the meantime, in between time, the communication is off. What’s the reconnection fee? How much will it cost?

The foundation was strong, it took years to build. Yet the damage is done, the milk has spilled. To clean it up or cry? That is the question. This is definitely one of life’s major lessons.

No need for a receipt, no exchange or return. We’ll just work it out, no need to let it burn. Supply & demand, lets level the turf. No amount of money will determine our worth.

Where’s the mediator? We need a neutral being. We only hear what we hear. Only see what we’re seeing. No choosing side. No placing blame. Just a common ground is the reason we came.

We have to get right before its all too late. Only time will reveal this friendship’s fate. So if you listen to me then I’ll listen to you. The moral if the story is, “I love you, Boo!”

End Note: Nobody is perfect so there’s no way a relationship or friendship can be. Sometimes too much time together and not enough time apart will put the ultimate strain on it but together, everybody can get it right. Personalities clash but hey, get with it or get lost. Some “situations” deserve to be let go but make sure you have a damn good reason. Loyalty over royalty… just don’t interfere with my livelihood.

Something Like A Dear John Letter

Its been a while but… Im back, Sorta.

I’m sure this isn't how it was suppose to be.
We're in this room, face to face with passion filled eyes, pleasure running through our veins.
What are the consequences? 
Lets just cross that bridge when we get there.
Right now, I'm just reaping the rewards.
Do we continue "this" or go back to "normal"?
What does normal even mean anymore? 
The 1st time it felt so right. Like nothing can come between us. Nothing came between us but we came. .
At that moment be became closer than ever.
But was it worth it?
Is more than “this friendship” really our purpose?
Let's get in this bed we made together.
Get close. Now it's me & you.
There’s no title but we understand.
I think the feeling is mutual.
Correct me if I'm incorrect.
The next time.... It felt real.
One time isn't fine with me.
We had time.
Time to explore. Time to talk. Time to feel. Time to play.
No wrong can be done. All is well in the world.
Before I knew it... You were gone.
Missing without a trace.
Was it something I said??
Look me in my face.
Same sad love song.
Separate ways sometimes make for better days.
Let's agree to disagree & make "this" thing history.

Too Little, Too Late

They always say that you shouldn’t put off for tomorrow what can & should be done today. I think that’s how the quote goes. When I got up this morning, It felt like any other day. I wished my cousin a happy birthday and left the house. I looked at Twitter and noticed that a girl I follow & know through mutual friends had mentioned that she lost her mother a year ago today. I wanted to say something to her but all I could come up with was a generic tweet…

8:32am: “With all the losses I’ve experienced… I still don’t know the right words to say to others when they lose someone. :/”

I went to work and began my shift. While away from my desk, I noticed I had a missed call and text from my cousin. As I was replying, another cousin called so I picked up & immediately I knew something was wrong. The first thing she asked was if I had spoken to my mother. My heart dropped to the floor. When I told her no… She told me that my mom had found my grandfather this morning when she woke up. He was unresponsive. See the thing is, she had just gotten up to NY from Charlotte to help take care of him. We had found out he had liver cancer literally 2 weeks ago. She and my aunt had been there around the clock since then.

It freaked me out a bit when I thought into it a little deeper. It almost seemed as if he waited until he got his two baby girls together to go in peace. I can’t imagine how my mother feels being the one to be there with him. However, I am happy that they were able to see each other before he was taken home. I won’t question God’s ways but I wish I would have done things differently. She told me to call him the day she found out but I kept putting it off. I wanted to know more about his progress and not ask too many questions. I should have. If I knew yesterday what was going to happen today, I would have done more. I’m sure he knows my heart and he knows I think about him everyday and wish I would have called. Shit just sucks.

As kids, my cousin and I were his little princesses. We always got SO excited when Grandpa Tootsie came around. Not only was he cool, he always had envelopes full of money for us. So many memories that I wish could have been more. We always spoke through emails and recently through Facebook but I never got the chance to go back to his apartment and talk. Now, that option is no longer there.

Too Little, Too Late…

If you have a relative you rarely speak to, send a text, email, call, something. You never know when your last time speaking to them will be.

Rest In Peace Newton Lightfoot or to us, Grandpa Toostie